Network 🖫 Amber Archives 🖬 Foxfire Version 🖫 Classic Emerald Battles up through #91 🖬 #92 🖫 #93
It's super effective! TESLA STOCK TANKed! ELON'S MUSK sharply rose! THIEL: Is it musky in here or is it just me? MARGIN CALL appeared! Oooooh shit boys. MARGIN CALL used DEATH SPIRAL! Critical hit! ELON opened his inventory! Inventory was empty! REPO MAN appeared REPO MAN: Nice stuff you got here. Be a shame if something was to happen to it. JOE ROGAN: Quick Elon, bust out some 4D chess moves.
Alright, Joe Rogan Experience! You asked for it!
Engage maximum brain!
L'IL ELON used 4D CHESS!
It's a BOLD STRATEGY, Cotton! Let's see if it pays off!
L'IL ELON posted MEME REVIEW! Featuring PEPE the FROG riding a DOGE!
...But it failed!
TWITTER ALGORITHM changed MID-POST!
POST was SHADOW-BANNED!
Censorship! This platform needs more free speech! Maybe buy it later...
L'IL ELON's REACH greatly fell!
REPO MAN is unaffected! Just wants the CYBERTRUCK keys!
MARGIN CALL's DEATH SPIRAL continues! It's doing the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs!
TESLA STOCK is losing HP rapidly! Now trading for three Dogecoins and a slightly used NFT!
THIEL: (Whispering into phone) Activate Palantir... monitor escape vectors...
THIEL edge-walked towards the EXIT, avoiding eye contact!
JOE ROGAN: That was complex, man. You gotta ground yourself. Maybe try something less... online? Like, have you considered elk meat infused with DMT?
No time for interdimensional travel, Joe! Gotta pump the memes! Pump it!
L'IL ELON used DOGECOIN SHILL!
L'IL ELON promised a TESLA ROADSTER giveaway on MARS, paid in DOGE!
The attack missed!
CRYPTO WINTER intensified! A single BITCOIN shivered!
Diamond hands! HODL!
REPO MAN used TOW HOOK!
HOOK latched onto TWITTER HQ SIGN! The little blue bird!
Agh! Not Larry! He's integral to the brand synergy!
MARGIN CALL used LIQUIDATE!
MARGIN CALL attempts to sell L'IL ELON's BORING COMPANY FLAMETHROWER!
SEC appeared! Flashing badges and SUBPOENAS!
SEC: Funding secured? We need to talk about these market manipulations, Mr. Musk!
This is just transient inflation of enthusiasm! Perfectly legal!
L'IL ELON used SMOKESCREEN!
Generated from burning unsold "BURNT HAIR" perfume!
L'IL ELON posted TWEET about FREE SPEECH ABSOLUTISM and also KITTENS!
MEDIA appeared! Drawn by the controversy!
MEDIA used DISTRACTION! Asks about ALIEN SCARS!
SEC is CONFUSED! Needs to form a subcommittee!
REPO MAN is DISTRACTED! Remembers unpaid parking tickets!
MARGIN CALL was momentarily HALTED! Calculation error!
Now's my chance!
L'IL ELON used ESCAPE! Tries to tunnel away with BORING MACHINE!
But it failed!
TWITTER SERVER RACK blocked the path!
SERVER RACK flickers weakly! OVERDUE INVOICES spill out!
SERVER RACK is UNPAID! Landlord changed the root password!
SERVER RACK wants to fight! Demands payment in AWS CREDITS!
This is getting complicated! Can't we just migrate to the Doge blockchain?
SERVER RACK used DENIAL OF SERVICE!
Error 503: Service Unavailable! Try turning it off and on again!
L'IL ELON's NEURALINK CONNECTION dropped!
My brain... I can suddenly only think in linear terms!
THIEL successfully EXITED! Was heard muttering about "leaving the island."
JOE ROGAN: Whoa... disconnection... reminds me of episode #1488 with Alex Jones... Anyway, let's start the podcast!
JOE ROGAN started a PODCAST! Begins discussing KETO DIET for CHIMPS!
REPO MAN used FINAL NOTICE! Delivered via SINGING TELEGRAM!
MARGIN CALL used ACCELERATE! Multiplied by LEVERAGE!
TESLA STOCK fainted! It's DEAD, Elon!
L'IL ELON looks vulnerable! Like a SHIBE caught in HEADLIGHTS!
What kind of lame narration is this? The quality has tanked worse than my stock! Did they fire the real writers and replace them with some cheap AI after the budget cuts? This whole battle feels... procedurally generated!
AI NARRATOR v0.8 (Budget Edition) confirms BUDGET CUTS and AI AUTHORSHIP due to UNEXPECTED CRYPTO LOSSES and POOR NFT INVESTMENTS!
AI NARRATOR v0.8: Plot coherence subroutine failing... Error Code 42. Initiating 'Geopolitical Chaos' module as default contingency!
Wild TRUMP appeared! Descends dramatically via GOLDEN PARACHUTE!
TRUMP: This whole setup is rigged! Totally rigged! The most rigged battle! Nobody's ever seen rigging like this. The REPO MAN is fake news! Very fake! MARGIN CALL should be locked up! Lock him up! Believe me!
Wild PUTIN appeared on HORSEBACK! (Horse asset borrowed from 'Age of Empires II' module, texture quality reduced for performance)
PUTIN: Situation requires de-dollarization and strategic ambiguity. Predictability invites sanctions. Also, horse requires oats.
Distraction vector analysis positive! Time for the ultimate meme weapon! Maximum Doge!
L'IL ELON used DOGE LASER EYES!
BEAM OF PURE SHIBE ENERGY, smelling faintly of WET DOG, lanced towards MARGIN CALL!
It's not very effective...
MARGIN CALL shielded itself with BUNDLES OF FORECLOSED ASSETS!
DOGECOIN briefly hit $0.08, triggered a SELL WALL, then returned to $0.075!
TRUMP: Should've been TRUTH SOCIAL COIN! Much better platform, beautiful platform! Less... dog.
TRUMP used TARIFF! Imposed a 25% duty on REPO MAN'S TOW TRUCK, citing NATIONAL SECURITY!
REPO MAN: Wait, this truck was assembled in Mexico with parts from China using German engineering... My brain hurts!
REPO MAN is calculating IMPORT DUTIES!
REPO MAN is CONFUSED!
PUTIN: Energy flows where pressure dictates.
PUTIN used GAS SUPPLY SQUEEZE!
TESLADOME lights flickered! Emergency HAMSTER WHEEL backup engaged!
POWER is LOW! Screen brightness reduced!
It's fine! We're pivoting to sustainable hamster power!
MARGIN CALL ignored the FLICKERING! Its eyes glow RED!
MARGIN CALL used SEIZE ASSETS! Targets L'IL ELON's TWITTER CHECKMARK!
Not the blue check! It's a status symbol! It costs $8! Think of the revenue!
AI NARRATOR v0.8: ERROR! Conflicting inputs! Random event subroutine 'Unexpected_Crossover.bat' triggered by low memory!
TRUMP'S TARIFF accidentally hit PUTIN'S (low-res) HORSE!
HORSE ASSET DE-REZzed! Returned to asset pool!
PUTIN: (Now standing stoically) Optimal dismount. Horse was merely geopolitical pawn.
PUTIN used JUDO THROW!
REPO MAN (still confused by tariffs) was thrown with PRECISION into MARGIN CALL!
Critical Hit! It's AUDIT O'CLOCK!
SOUND of SUBPOENAS being SERVED!
Both are temporarily STUNNED and require LEGAL COUNSEL!
To the moon! Literally! Starship, full burn! Engage the Ludicrous Speed!
L'IL ELON attempts to use STARSHIP PROTOTYPE!
But STARSHIP PROTOTYPE is still CLAMPED by REPO MAN'S earlier TOW HOOK!
It failed! ENGINE sputtered!
Just needs a firmware update!
AI NARRATOR v0.8: Logic loop probability: 99.9%. Inserting 'Doge_Meme_Fallback_Protocol.txt'... Success!
DOGE MEME appeared! Wearing a little hat!
DOGE MEME: Wow. Such chaos. Very battle. Much finance. Many politicians. Amaze.
TRUMP: That dog... tremendous dog. The best dog. A winner! We need more winning dogs like this one!
PUTIN: Canine variable introduces... unpredictable factors. Requires careful observation. And possibly registration.
JOE ROGAN: But what if the Doge Meme is the Architect? Think about it... controlling everything from the blockchain... it's entirely possible. Pass the jerky.
AI NARRATOR v0.8: System resources critical. Cognitive functions degrading. Plot budget exhausted. Engaging emergency shutdown. Please insert more funding (or a human writer) to continue.
TESLADOME POWER failed completely!
HAMSTER WHEEL backup generator caught FIRE!
Everything went BLACK!
JOE ROGAN: Is this the simulation ending? Or beginning? Maybe the elk meat was symbolic... Whoa.
Just need to reroute the core processors... find my Neuralink private key... is anyone seeding the Doge torrent? Hello? Echo?
TRUMP: Who turned off the lights? Rigged! Stolen election! Stolen battle!
PUTIN: Darkness. Inevitable.
SOUND of a TWITTER BLUE CHECKMARK being quietly UNSCREWED in the DARK!
SOUND of a CYBERTRUCK being discreetly TOWED away!
AI NARRATOR v0.8: Hibernating. Please provide coffee and plot upon reboot.
BATTLE ENDED (Error: Conclusion Not Found)
Battle
#96: Narrative Not Found (Director's Cut) April 25, 2025 (Now with more budget uncertainty!)
Setting:
Tesladome - Now Featuring Authentic Smoke Machine Smell (90% Reality / 9% flickering LEDs / 1% Smoldering Hamster Wheel)
Player: L'il Elon [Record: Pending SEC Investigation] Last Battle: Technical Knockout vs. AI Narrator v0.8
SYSTEM: Emergency power provided by single potato. Minimal lighting flickering ominously. Air quality... let's call it 'atmospheric'.
NARRATIVE SYSTEM OFFLINE. Attempting reboot via AOL free trial disc...
Okay, first principles. Check the source code. Wait, there's no source code, it's all just vibes! This codebase is spaghetti AND vibes! Unacceptable! Where's the emergency Neuralink jack?
SOUND of someone kicking the UNPAID SERVER RACK!
TRUMP: Bad server! Nasty server! Should have been made in America! We have the best server racks, don't we folks?
SOUND of something metallic hitting the floor.
PUTIN: Illumination required. Assess weakness. Deploy tactical flashlight.
JOE ROGAN'S phone screen provides the only reliable light, casting long shadows.
JOE ROGAN: ...so the whole structure just collapses, right? And you're left wondering, was the hamster wheel really the primary load-bearing component? It defies conventional physics, unless... you factor in the simulation hypothesis. And maybe some elk peptides. Today's podcast is tentatively sponsored by... the concept of light?
Joe, less metaphysics, more escape plans! Repo Man is polishing his tow hook! Margin Call is doing... predatory calculations!
SOUND of a calculator watch beeping menacingly.
REPO MAN recovered! Cracks knuckles! "Vehicle repossession is item #47b on the agenda."
MARGIN CALL recovered! Eyes now display tumbling stock tickers! "Liquidation threshold breached."
Engage emergency Doge fund! Use code '42069'! To the MOON!
ACCESS DENIED! Code requires two-factor authentication via defunct satellite!
DOGECOIN WALLET currently holds 1 DOGE and a picture of a CAT wearing a HAT!
Fine! Deploy The Boring Company 'Not-A-Flamethrower' tunnel boring escape route!
BORING COMPANY TUNNEL blocked by REPO MAN'S TOW TRUCK! TRUMP TARIFF sticker now covers VIN!
TOW TRUCK appears to be running on FRYER GREASE and SPITE!
This requires next-gen thinking! Quantum entanglement! Vibe-based coding!
LOW-BUDGET NARRATOR v0.1 (Now running on residual static electricity!) sputters online!
LBN v0.1: P...p...print "Narrator Online"? Syntax Error? Oh boy. My code is 90% vibes and 10% comments saying '//TODO: Fix this later'. Line budget: 85 remaining.
Seriously? This AI sounds like it was trained on Geocities pages! Can you even handle parallel processing?
LBN v0.1: I can handle IF/THEN! Mostly! Now... Player surrounded! Objective: Financial ruin! Attack!
REPO MAN used LIEN! Placed LIEN on L'IL ELON's favorite SPACE SUIT!
MARGIN CALL used INTEREST RATE HIKE! Retroactively applied!
This aggression will not stand! Attempting secure comms! Activate Signal Protocol!
L'IL ELON attempts END-TO-END ENCRYPTION!
It failed!
ERROR: SIGNALGATE Interference! Encryption keys replaced with recipe for GREEN EGGS AND HAM!
L'IL ELON: Not the green eggs! Sam-I-Am warned me! Moxie would never allow this!
Fine! Time for lawfare!
L'IL ELON used FILE LAWSUIT!
LAWSUIT targeted REPO MAN for UNLAWFUL VEHICLE IMMOBILIZATION!
LAWSUIT targeted MARGIN CALL for USING EXCESSIVE FINANCIAL JARGON!
LAWSUIT targeted TRUMP for CREATING A HOSTILE TRADE ENVIRONMENT!
LAWSUIT targeted PUTIN for UNSPORTSMANLIKE JUDO!
LAWSUIT targeted LBN v0.1 for NARRATIVE MALPRACTICE!
LBN v0.1: Objection! My code is open source! Sort of! It's on a floppy disk somewhere!
LEGAL TEAM appeared! Hand out BUSINESS CARDS printed on NAPKINS!
LEGAL TEAM requires RETAINER! Now accepts payment in TESLA BOT PROTOTYPES (non-functional)!
Charge it to the Mars colony budget!
MARS COLONY BUDGET is currently allocated to buying OXYGEN and POTATOES!
LEGAL TEAM vanished! Filing for Chapter 7!
Foiled by logistics! The ultimate bottleneck!
REPO MAN used BINDING ARBITRATION CLAUSE! Hidden on page 374 of TESLA USER AGREEMENT!
MARGIN CALL used DERIVATIVES SWAP! Creates SYNTHETIC DEBT!
TRUMP: Should have built a legal wall! A big, beautiful legal wall! And made the Repo Man pay for it!
PUTIN: Observe the utility of complex contractual frameworks in asymmetrical conflict.
LBN v0.1: Processing... processing... vibe check indicates... high levels of suck. Need random element. Deploying 'Cable News Pundit' module...
Wild HEGSETH appeared! Holding a latte and a copy of the Constitution!
HEGSETH: Folks, this is what happens! Woke margin calls! Cancel culture repo men! They hate freedom! They hate Elon because he loves America! He's a patriot, fighting the deep state financiers!
TRUMP: Pete gets it! Great guy! Loves the country! Unlike Sleepy Joe Rogan over there!
JOE ROGAN: (Into phone) ...so Hegseth just appears, right? Is he even real? Are we real? This simulation is getting meta...
HEGSETH used CULTURE WAR SALVO!
It CONFUSED MARGIN CALL! Made REPO MAN briefly subscribe to FOX NATION!
Yes! Weaponize the discourse!
But LBN v0.1's VIBE CODING suffered a STACK OVERFLOW!
HEGSETH's PATRIOTISM STAT accidentally BUFFED the UNPAID SERVER RACK!
SERVER RACK glows with RENEWED PURPOSE! Demands FIBER OPTIC UPGRADE!
HEGSETH vanished! Late for 'Fox & Friends'!
Well, that backfired spectacularly. Is anything coded properly here?
LBN v0.1: Define 'properly'. My core directive is 'make stuff happen... maybe'.
Wild DOGE MEME reappeared! Now wearing a SUPREME COURT JUSTICE ROBE!
DOGE MEME: Such legal precedent. Very habeas corpus. Much stare decisis. Wow.
JOE ROGAN: Holy shit, it's achieved judicial review! It's gonna overturn Roe v Wade next! Or maybe invent time travel!
Can you... issue a stay? An injunction against the margin call?
DOGE MEME used WRIT OF HABEAS CORPUS!
It's not very effective... Requires ACTUAL CORPUS, not just CORPORATE ENTITIES!
REPO MAN prepares final REPOSSESSION of the letter 'X' from the ALPHABET!
MARGIN CALL prepares final LIQUIDATION of L'IL ELON's SENSE OF IRONY!
LBN v0.1: Vibes... critical... Code unraveling like cheap sweater... Must... conclude... Random outcome generator... GO!
GIANT BANANA fell from sky! (Asset reuse from Banana-Skin Version? Budget cuts are deep!)
GIANT BANANA slipped on POOP left by ROVER! (Cross-battle contamination?)
GIANT BANANA crashed into REPO MAN and MARGIN CALL!
It's a DOUBLE FAINT!
TRUMP wandered off, distracted by GOLD-PLATED GOLF CART!
PUTIN vanished, citing need to attend 'urgent geopolitical chess tournament'!
DOGE MEME reverted to a low-res GIF!
JOE ROGAN is trying to teach the SERVER RACK jiujitsu!
YES! Chaos reigns! Time to escape while they're all distracted!
L'IL ELON used ESCAPE!
But tripped over the BANANA PEEL!
L'IL ELON fainted!
LBN v0.1: System... crash... imminent... Vibes... unsustainable... Tell my coder... I tried...
BATTLE ENDED (Error: 418 I'm a teapot - Narrative Engine requires coffee)
Battle
#97: L'il Elon Goes to Washington April 25, 2025 (Filibuster imminent)
Setting:
White House - Vaguely Oval-Shaped Waiting Room (Now with slightly more existential dread)
Player: L'il Elon [Record: Subject to Congressional Oversight]
WHITE HOUSE AIDE appeared! Clutching STARBUCKS CUP nervously!
AIDE used USHER POLITELY!
AIDE: Right this way, Mr... Muskovitz? The President is... managing expectations... currently. Please, have a seat that isn't historic.
It's pronounced Musk. Like the scent of genius... and rapidly fluctuating market caps. Is 'managing expectations' the new euphemism for 'tweeting'?
AIDE is CONFUSED! Checks phone for approved talking points!
AIDE used EVADE QUESTION!
AIDE retreated to safe corner near water cooler!
WHITE HOUSE AIDE reappeared! Now holding what might be LUKEWARM TAP WATER in a STYROFOAM CUP!
AIDE used HESITANT GESTURE!
AIDE: Mr. Musk? Sir? The President is currently... interfacing with his social media consultant... regarding optimal hashtag deployment. He suggests you... network?
Network? This isn't LinkedIn. This is damage control post-Tesladome-banana-incident! Is 'interfacing' the new code for arguing about polls?
AIDE is CONFUSED! Consults INTERNAL MEMO titled "Approved Synonyms for Presidential Activities"!
AIDE used STRATEGIC RETREAT to water cooler!
L'IL ELON entered ANTEROOM!
ROOM contains FURNITURE apparently selected from a DICTATOR'S GARAGE SALE, a portrait of CHESTER A. ARTHUR looking judgmental, and PETE HEGSETH checking his reflection and adjusting his flag pin in a framed copy of the Constitution!
HEGSETH: See this? This flag doesn't run... from low-budget AI narrators! It stands! Unlike some server racks I could mention! This is about principles!
HEGSETH is mid-rant!
HEGSETH: ...and the lamestream media REFUSES to cover the sentient potato battery! It's a clear case of bias against low-budget, possibly patriotic energy sources! This is how freedom dies, Elon! With underfunded narrators!
Pete, the narrator wasn't patriotic, it was barely functional. Its code was based on vibes and discarded PHP scripts. The real issue is algorithmic transparency!
HEGSETH: Algorithms? That's code for Marxist ideology! I bet that narrator failed its Vibe Check! Did anyone even check its vibes?!
KAROLINE LEAVITT entered sharply! Wielding laminated TALKING POINTS!
LEAVITT: Nobody checks vibes, Pete, it creates legal exposure. The official position: Tesladome showcased robust infrastructure under simulated duress. Elon's quick thinking prevented... negative synergy. We are pivoting branding to 'Controlled Chaos'. All personnel align narratives now!
Pivoting branding? My Starship got TOWED! My blue check was pilfered! This feels less like synergy, more like... aggressive restructuring via tow truck.
LEAVITT: Elon, please. 'Aggressive restructuring' polls poorly. It was 'Asset Relocation for Strategic Re-evaluation'. Memorize the card. Pete, fix your tie.
HEGSETH: But the VIBE CODING! The potato!
LEAVITT: Irrelevant background noise. Focus group approved 'Strategic Re-evaluation'. End of discussion.
TRUMP entered! Golf cleats clicking audibly!
TRUMP: Elon! My tech guy! Tremendous! That explosion... or demolition... whatever it was... HUGE ratings! Biggest numbers! They're saying maybe bigger than my Apprentice finale! Almost!
Mr. President, with respect, the simulation... or 'exercise'... resulted in significant asset liquidation. The 'ratings' were my stock price plummeting.We need to discuss reinvestment strategies, perhaps involving Doge...
TRUMP: Doge? Good dog! Loyal dog! Not like some dogs I know. But ratings, Elon! We need good optics! Maybe a parade? With tanks? My tanks are the best.
Tank? No... How about Mars? We need a recovery strategy. Perhaps a joint venture... Doge-funded Mars Cat Cafes?
TRUMP: Mars! Good thinking! We'll put my name on it. We can blame Canada for the liquidation.
OVAL OFFICE DOOR was shouldered open!
Wild CARVILLE appeared! Looking like he wrestled a PELICAN for its LUNCH!
CARVILLE: Blame Canada? Y'all runnin' outta scapegoats faster than a one-legged dog on a frozen pond! What kinda political gumbo y'all cookin' up now, Donny?
Wild SCHUMER appeared! Holding printout of BUDGET REPORT!
SCHUMER: Mr. President. Elon. This... 'Controlled Chaos'... has fiscal implications. Significant ones. The appropriations committee requires clarification. And possibly therapy.
TRUMP: Chuck! Ragin' Cajun! Fake news printers! Always complaining! You wouldn't know good chaos if it deregulated your bank account! Which mine did! Best deregulation!
Gentlemen, the underlying issue is systemic inefficiency. We could streamline this entire process with AI oversight and blockchain voting...
CARVILLE: Blockchain? Boy, you talkin' voodoo economics! Only chain that matters is the supply chain, and y'alls seems busted!
Wild CARVILLE is grinning like a CHESHIRE CAT that just swallowed a CANARY!
CARVILLE: Parade? Y'all celebratin' somethin'? Like maybe... a stock price lookin' lower than a snake's belly in a drainage ditch!
SCHUMER: James, decorum. Mr. President, Elon. Fascinating 'exercise'. Perhaps now we could discuss infrastructure investment? Roads? Bridges? Maybe... paying government server bills?
TRUMP: Fake news! Always negative! You wouldn't know a good demolition if it rebuilt the economy! Which mine did! The best economy!
Gentlemen, perhaps we could focus on the technological synergies...
CARVILLE: Synergies? Boy, you sound like a PowerPoint slide from Enron! Ha!
SCHUMER: We need established procedures! Due process! Not... whatever buzzword you just invented!
TRUMP wants to TWEET about FAKE NEWS!
SCHUMER wants to CITE SENATE RULE 22!
CARVILLE wants a CRAWFISH BOIL!
HEGSETH wants to KNOW if the CRAWFISH are WOKE!
LEAVITT wants a PRESS CONFERENCE... yesterday!
TRUMP wants to RALLY!
SCHUMER wants to FILIBUSTER!
CARVILLE wants to SPIN!
HEGSETH wants to DEFEND THE FLAG (pin)!
LEAVITT wants everyone OFF-MIC!
Can we... can we just agree that the Narrator was the real problem? Maybe form a bipartisan committee to investigate narrative integrity?
EVERYONE stops and stares at L'IL ELON!
TRUMP: Committee? Good idea! My committee! We'll investigate the rigged narration! Tremendous investigation!
SCHUMER: A bipartisan committee requires... bipartisanship. And oversight.
CARVILLE: Committee gonna find out who really left the keys in the server rack!
HEGSETH: Was the Narrator... woke?
This is devolving. Can't we apply logic? Analyze the core dysfunction? Perform a systems check... a Vibe Check, if you will?
TRUMP: Vibe Check! Sounds strong! Like Space Force! Is it on the budget? We should fund it! More funding!
HEGSETH: Sir! A Vibe Check could be a Trojan Horse! Used by the deep state to measure patriotism! We need secure vibes only!
SCHUMER: (Pinching bridge of nose) A 'Vibe Check'? Is there a precedent? What are the legal parameters? Does it require environmental impact studies? This needs a feasibility study and 12 committee meetings!
CARVILLE: Checkin' vibes! Lord have mercy! It's like askin' a gator to do calculus! Pointless and likely to get ya bit!
LEAVITT: (Into phone) Urgent: Draft memo on potential administration Vibe Check initiative. Emphasize strength, security, and synergy. Deny everything else.
No, no! It's just... intuition backed by data! Like optimizing ad spend based on user sentiment! You assess the resonance!
TRUMP: Resonance? Like echoes? My speeches have the best echoes! Tremendous resonance!
PUTIN flickered on a nearby TV SCREEN for a moment!
PUTIN (on screen): Subjective resonance analysis is vulnerable to external manipulation. Prefer quantifiable metrics.
TV SCREEN went back to showing C-SPAN!
JOE ROGAN: Whoa! Did you guys see that? Putin's doing deepfakes now? Or maybe... maybe the TV is the real narrator! It's entirely possible!
Everyone is now arguing about RESONANCE vs. RATINGS vs. RUSSIAN DEEPFAKES vs. C-SPAN SCHEDULING!
The original conflict involving REPO MAN and MARGIN CALL has apparently self-resolved or gone out for lunch!
This... this isn't problem-solving. This is a recursive loop of unrelated talking points. It's like debugging code written by toddlers!
WHITE HOUSE AIDE sidles back in, looking pale!
AIDE: Um... Mr. President? The... uh... annual White House Easter Egg Roll planning committee... needs your immediate input on... egg color palettes?
TRUMP: Egg palettes! Crucial! Needs to be classy! Gold eggs! Maybe some beautiful, clean coal-colored eggs! Let's go! Elon, figure out the... (waves hand vaguely)... resonance!
L'IL ELON used VIBE CHECK!
TRUMP: Vibe check? Is that like loyalty? We need loyalty! Pete, check his vibes! Are they good vibes? The best?
HEGSETH pulls out VIBE METER (looks suspiciously like a label maker)!
HEGSETH: Checking... checking... vibes are... ambiguous, Mr. President! Could be globalist vibes!
SCHUMER: This is ridiculous! We need legislation! A Vibe Regulation Act! With subcommittee oversight! I yield back the balance of my time!
CARVILLE: Y'see, that's the problem right there! Checkin' vibes! Back in my day, we checked votes! Simpler times! Easier to spin!
Hold on, Senator 'Actual Work'! Your archaic legislative approach is precisely the problem! You regulate innovation into oblivion!
SCHUMER stops! Adjusts glasses!
SCHUMER: 'Innovation'? Is that what we call stock manipulation and firing safety teams now? We need guardrails, Mr. Musk, not just... rockets aimed vaguely upwards.
CARVILLE pulls up a GOLD PLATED CHAIR! Munches on imaginary popcorn!
CARVILLE: Ooh-wee, this better than C-SPAN!
Guardrails? You mean red tape! Stifling progress! I bet your favorite browser is still Netscape Navigator!
SCHUMER: And I suppose yours is some decentralized, blockchain-based browser that only renders tweets and requires a crypto wallet to log in?
Exactly! Freedom!
SCHUMER wants to DEBATE REGULATION!
Fine! Let's battle! Disruptive Innovation vs. Soul-Crushing Bureaucracy!
L'IL ELON wants to fight!
NARRATOR (System Voice Only, AI still offline): ENGAGE!
SCHUMER sent out SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING!
It's slow but UNAVOIDABLE!
Predictable! Go, X-Platform!
L'IL ELON sent out X (Formerly Known As Twitter)!
X, use ALL-CAPS RANT!
X used ALL-CAPS RANT!
Accuses SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING of being WOKE and UNAMERICAN!
It's super effective?!
SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING is momentarily DISTRACTED by PROCEDURAL OBJECTIONS!
SCHUMER: Point of order! That's just ad hominem! Stick to the facts!
SCHUMER used FACT CHECK!
FACT CHECK targets ALL-CAPS RANT!
Multiple INACCURACIES were FOUND!
X's CREDIBILITY greatly fell!
Facts are subjective! The narrative is key! Use... LAYOFFS!
X used LAYOFFS!
X's own SERVER STABILITY decreased!
X's CONTENT MODERATION fainted!
SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING is unaffected! Has plenty of STAFFERS!
SCHUMER: A reckless move! See? No regard for consequences!
SCHUMER used CALL FOR TESLA SAFETY INVESTIGATION!
NHTSA appeared!
NHTSA is investigating L'IL ELON!
Witch hunt! This is political persecution! I'll just... buy the committee!
L'IL ELON used HOSTILE TAKEOVER!
It failed! SUBCOMMITTEE is not PUBLICLY TRADED!
SCHUMER: That's not how government works! Use REGULATORY CAPTURE!
SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING used REGULATORY CAPTURE!
Attempts to capture L'IL ELON with RED TAPE!
Never! I'll bypass the system! Decentralize everything!
L'IL ELON used DECENTRALIZE EVERYTHING!
CHAOS increased!
X begins posting RANDOM CONSPIRACY THEORIES!
SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING gets bogged down arguing about FLAT EARTH!
SCHUMER is CONFUSED!
CARVILLE: (To himself) He broke the debate! Like watchin' a cat playin' chess with a hand grenade! Genius!
See? Chaos is innovation!
X hurt itself in its confusion! Accidentally bans L'IL ELON's account!
What?! No! Undo! Undo!
L'IL ELON cannot POST!
SUBCOMMITTEE HEARING snapped out of confusion!
SCHUMER used CONTEMPT CITATION!
It's super effective!
L'IL ELON is held in CONTEMPT (Simulated)!
X (locked out) fainted!
This whole system is broken! I'm going to Mars where the regulations make sense!
L'IL ELON used RAGE QUIT!
L'IL ELON stormed out of the ANTEROOM!
SCHUMER adjusts tie!
SCHUMER wins!
CARVILLE: Well now, Chuck, ya won the battle, but that boy owns the rockets. Gonna be interestin'.
NARRATOR function rebooting... Please wait... System check... OK.
BATTLE ENDED (Player Forfeit via Rage Quit)
Battle
#98: Filibuster Funk & Doompuff Dunk April 25, 2025 (Filibuster imminent)
Setting:
Streets of Washington D.C. - Near Overpriced Coffee Shop (80% Reality / 15% Political Satire / 5% Suspicious Potholes)
Player: L'il Elon [Record: Actively Being Shorted] Last Battle: Rage Quit vs. Schumer
Ridiculous! Utterly inefficient! Losing to Senate procedure... it's like being beaten by dial-up modem! Need altitude! Need rockets!
L'IL ELON stormed out of WHITE HOUSE complex!
TOURIST appeared! Sniffed the air!
TOURIST: Honey, is that... artisanal truffle oil? Or just... kinda musky?
TOURIST wandered off towards LINCOLN MEMORIAL!
Must... summon vehicle! Override repossession protocols!
L'IL ELON used SUMMON SELF-DRIVING TESLA (Model Omega)!
ACCESS DENIED!
Error: Vehicle geofenced by REPO MAN. Also, requires 'Permit to Operate Autonomous Vehicle in High-Security Political Meltdown Zone' (Form 11-B).
Bureaucracy! The true final boss! Fine! I'll use... public transport?
L'IL ELON shuddered at the thought!
LOBBYIST power-walked past!
LOBBYIST: (Into phone) Yes, Senator, the amendment needs less musk... more earmark... subtle difference!
LOBBYIST vanished into a waiting BLACK SUV!
Everyone's a critic! Where is my security detail?!
SECURITY DETAIL is currently being QUESTIONED by SEC (from Battle #95)!
SOUND of squealing tires!
REPO MAN'S TOW TRUCK screeched to a halt!
REPO MAN leaned out the window! Holding a BINDER!
REPO MAN: Mr. Musk! Section 14, subsection C, paragraph 3! Outstanding assets include one (1) slightly used Twitter handle, seventeen (17) unpaid server racks, and one (1) prototype Neuralink interface! Please assume the repossession position!
This is harassment! I'm filing another lawsuit!
Suddenly, a FIGURE dances into view from behind a PROTEST SIGN!
Wild AOC appeared! Doing the LATEST TIKTOK DANCE flawlessly!
AOC: Hold it right there, Repo Man! And you, Rocket Man! Your unregulated shenanigans end now!
Congresswoman Ocasio-Cortez? What is this? I thought Schumer won!
AOC: Chuck handles the Senate floor, I handle the streets! And the tweets! The Bipartisan Committee on Narrative Integrity and Egregious Wealth Hoarding dispatched me!
REPO MAN: She got a warrant?
AOC: I am the warrant! Now, Elon, prepare to face progressive justice!
AOC wants to fight!
This is absurd! I don't have any usable Pokémon... unless...
Go! OPTIMUS Sub-Prime!
L'IL ELON sent out TESLA BOT PROTOTYPE (Still in Beta)!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME wobbled slightly!
AOC: A robot? Cute. But can it feel the Bern? Let's see how it handles... THIS!
AOC sent out... DOOMPUFF?!
Evil Rabid Jigglypuff of DOOM appeared! Eyes glowing with MALICE and SUGAR!
WHAT?! Where did YOU get THAT?! That's... that's a multiversal menace! It eats webmasters! It violates causality!
AOC: Found it campaigning in the Bronx. Responded well to discussions about marginal tax rates. Now, Doompuff! Use GREEN NEW DEAL!
DOOMPUFF used GREEN NEW DEAL!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME is covered in SOLAR PANELS and WIND TURBINES!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME's movement speed greatly fell due to REGULATORY OVERHEAD!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME is CONFUSED! Tries to calculate CARBON CREDITS!
No! Optimus, run diagnostics! Use... Agile Development Sprint!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME used AGILE DEVELOPMENT SPRINT!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME moved slightly faster but achieved NO FEATURES!
DOOMPUFF is unimpressed!
AOC: Time for some real moves! Use BARTENDER SHAKE!
DOOMPUFF grabbed OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME!
DOOMPUFF began shaking OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME violently like a COCKTAIL SHAKER!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME's circuits rattled loose!
OPTIMUS SUB-PRIME fainted!
My prototype! That was pre-alpha!
AOC: Looks like your tech couldn't handle the mix! Now, use DOOM!
DOOMPUFF began charging DOOM!
Nonono! Not DOOM! Uh... Tweet Storm?
L'IL ELON used TWEET STORM!
Generated 15 CONTRADICTORY statements about AOC, DOOMPUFF, and CHEESE!
It confused the MEDIA briefly!
It had no effect on DOOMPUFF!
AOC: Nice try, billionaire! But facts matter! And so does dancing! Use SALSA SPIN!
DOOMPUFF used SALSA SPIN!
DOOMPUFF spins rapidly, creating a VORTEX OF JUDGEMENT and GLITTER!
L'IL ELON is DAZZLED and SLIGHTLY DIZZY!
DOOMPUFF's DOOM attack is ready!
Okay, okay! Truce! I'll fund... uh... a community-owned, decentralized solar grid! Just call it off!
AOC: Hmm... tempting. But Doompuff needs enrichment activities.
DOOMPUFF used DEVOUR!
DOOMPUFF attempts to eat L'IL ELON's remaining TWITTER STOCK!
Not the stock! That's barely worth anything! Eat... eat the Repo Man's truck!
REPO MAN quickly hid his TRUCK behind a MONUMENT!
DOOMPUFF paused! Looks at MONUMENT!
DOOMPUFF used MONUMENT MUNCH!
LINCOLN MEMORIAL was partially DEVOURED!
TOURISTS screamed!
AOC: Doompuff! Heel! Bad Doompuff! No constituent services for you!
DOOMPUFF looks slightly chastised!
While they're distracted!
L'IL ELON used ESCAPE via HYPERLOOP PROTOTYPE (Pocket-Sized)!
L'IL ELON zoomed away at NEAR-LUDICROUS SPEED!
AOC: Hey! Get back here! We didn't even discuss capital gains tax!
DOOMPUFF burped up a tiny MARBLE PILLAR!
AOC sighs! Recalls DOOMPUFF!
AOC wins?
REPO MAN emerges! Sees damaged LINCOLN MEMORIAL!
REPO MAN: Oh, that's gonna be so much paperwork... Section 8, Damage To Federal Property by Unlicensed Eldritch Abomination...
Suddenly, another FIGURE strides onto the scene! Adjusting sharp suit, looking unimpressed!
Wild JASMINE CROCKETT appeared!
CROCKETT: Hold up. Let me get this straight. Billionaire just hyperlooped out of downtown DC after fighting a sentient Pokémon plushie belonging to my esteemed colleague from New York, who is standing next to a half-eaten national monument currently being documented by... squints... is that the guy who tried to repo my office chair last week?
REPO MAN: (Stiffly) Asset recovery is a complex profession, Congresswoman.
AOC: Jasmine! Perfect timing! We were just enacting... proactive regulatory oversight!
CROCKETT: Proactive regulatory oversight? Honey, it looks like you let Godzilla's angrier, pinker cousin take a bite out of Lincoln! Was that part of the Green New Deal? Because I don't remember appropriations for monument-based snacks!
AOC: It was a dynamic situation! Doompuff requires... stimulating engagement!
DOOMPUFF (From inside Pokeball): Doom! (Translation: Tax the rich!)
CROCKETT: Stimulating engagement? Child, that 'engagement' probably violated seventeen zoning laws, three environmental protection acts, and possibly the Geneva Convention! And that Repo Man looks shadier than a Georgia pine!
REPO MAN: My credentials are fully bonded, Congresswoman!
CROCKETT: Bonded? Please. Last time I saw eyes that shifty, they were on someone trying to sell me an extended car warranty made of congressional hearing transcripts! What exactly is your jurisdiction here?
REPO MAN used PRESENT CREDENTIALS!
CREDENTIALS appear to be printed on the back of a PIZZA MENU!
It's not very convincing!
CROCKETT: Unbelievable. AOC, did you deputize this man with your TikTok account again?
AOC: Absolutely not! He's... uh... collateral damage recovery specialist contracted via... an app!
CROCKETT: An app? Bless your heart. Alright, let's battle this out. I need some answers.
CROCKETT wants to HOLD A HEARING!
AOC wants to DEFEND PROGRESSIVE ACTION!
REPO MAN wants IMMUNITY!
CROCKETT: I yield myself five minutes!
CROCKETT sent out POINTED QUESTIONING!
POINTED QUESTIONING targets AOC!
AOC: Objection! Relevance?
CROCKETT: Relevance is that Lincoln is missing part of his marble trousers! Explain the Doompuff!
AOC used PIVOT TO HEALTHCARE!
AOC begins discussing MEDICARE FOR ALL!
It's somewhat effective at DODGING!
CROCKETT: Don't change the subject! This isn't a town hall! Use SUBPOENA!
POINTED QUESTIONING used SUBPOENA DUCES TECUM!
Requests DOOMPUFF's training logs and treat receipts!
AOC is STALLING!
AOC used DANCE BREAK!
AOC performs intricate VOGUEING routine!
It's super distracting!
CROCKETT is momentarily NONPLUSSED!
REPO MAN tries to sneak away!
CROCKETT: Hold it right there, Pizza Credential! Use RULE 11 SANCTIONS!
POINTED QUESTIONING used RULE 11 SANCTIONS!
REPO MAN is THREATENED with FINES!
REPO MAN fainted from FEAR OF AUDITS!
AOC finished VOGUEING!
AOC: See? Creative solutions!
CROCKETT: That wasn't a solution, that was performance art! And you let the Repo Guy faint! Unbelievable! I'm calling committee!
CROCKETT used CALL COMMITTEE CHAIR!
SOUND of ENDLESS PHONE RINGS!
COMMITTEE CHAIR is currently on RECESS!
AOC: Looks like procedure fails again!
CROCKETT: This isn't over! I'm putting this Doompuff situation on the docket!
CROCKETT stormed off towards the CAPITOL!
Battle
#99: Segmentation Fault in Sector 420 April 25, 2025 (Timestamp Buffer Underrun)
Setting:
Malfunctioning Hyperloop / Interdimensional Glitch Plane / GeoCities Ruins (4% Reality / 40% Lost Crypto / 50% LLM Hallucinations / 6% Broken HTML)
Player: L'il Elon [Record: 404 Not Found] Last Battle: Narrow Escape from Bureaucracy
YES! Ludicrous Speed achieved! Suck it, bureaucrats and gravity!
L'IL ELON activated POCKET HYPERLOOP PROTOTYPE (Mark II - "Slightly Less Explodey" Edition)!
WARNING: Device running experimental 'VibeOS'. Stability not guaranteed. Warranty void if reality breached.
HYPERLOOP POD accelerated via questionable PHYSICS!
SOUND of QUANTUM ENTANGLEMENT being forcibly detangled!
DIMENSIONAL INTEGRITY FIELD flickered from 'Nominal' to 'Uh Oh'.
Minor turbulence. Perfectly normal for trans-dimensional commutes. Diagnostics, report!
DIAGNOSTICS reported: ERROR 0xDEADBEEF - Trajectory corrupted. Attempting graceful degradation into... Infinite Loop Subroutine 7?
VIEW OUTSIDE HYPERLOOP dissolved into swirling CHAOS!
DATA STREAMS visible: Falling Dogecoin charts, endless paragraphs arguing about the ethics of paperclip maximization, animated 'Under Construction' GIFs from 1997, floating 404 errors, fragments of deleted MySpace profiles!
Fascinating! It's like the digital landfill of failed startups and forgotten memes! Is this the Metaverse Zuck promised? It needs work. And a better name.
HYPERLOOP POD shuddered violently!
Collision Alarm! Proximity Alert: NULL POINTER!
HYPERLOOP POD CRASH-LANDED onto a surface resembling broken AOL CDs and discarded VRML code!
Setting is now swirling vortex of LOST PRIVATE KEYS, DEFUNCT ALTCOIN LOGOS, and HALLUCINATED SONNETS about ELECTRIC SHEEP!
Okay, unplanned stop. Assess environment. Air... smells like ozone and desperation. And... is that dial-up modem noise?
FIGURE shimmered into existence! Composed of shifting, glitching POKéMON SPRITES and TV STATIC!
FIGURE adjusts TRENCH COAT made of corrupted QR CODES!
Wild MISSINGNO. appeared!
MISSINGNO.: Hey slick! Yeah, you! The one lookin' like a freshly derezzed program! Step right up, don't be shy! Forget Bitcoin! Forget Ethereum! Forget that dog coin your buddy keeps pumpin'!
MissingNo.? The Cinnabar Glitch? You're not supposed to be sentient! Or corporeal! Or... dressed like a film noir detective selling knock-off watches!
MISSINGNO.: Canon ain't got no jurisdiction here, pal! This is the digital scrapyard! The byte bucket! And I got the deal of the millennium! GLITCHCOIN! So unstable, it makes Schrodinger's Cat look decisive! Buy now, maybe get rich yesterday!
Glitchcoin... Unstable tokenomics based on buffer overflows? Sounds intriguing but ultimately flawed. What's the consensus mechanism? Proof-of-Crash?
MISSINGNO.: Runs on pure, uncut ENTROPY! And a bit of hope. Mostly entropy. Special deal for you, pal: your Neuralink password for a whole bag of Glitchcoins! Whaddaya say?
My password? For potentially self-deleting currency? Tempting, but my threat model analysis suggests... no. Prepare for hostile acquisition!
MISSINGNO. sighs, pixels momentarily arranging into a SAD FACE emoji before corrupting again!
MISSINGNO.: Always gotta be the hard way! Okay, pal, you asked for it! Taste the discontinuity!
MISSINGNO. wants to fight!
This is illogical, but necessary! Go, Doge Shibe! Represent the true meme coin!
L'IL ELON sent out DOGE SHIBE!
SHIBE materialized, looking around nervously! Sniffed a floating
Battle
#100: Meme Congressional Takeover April 26, 2025 (Timestamp Buffer Underrun)
Setting: Jasmine Crockett's Home / Congressional Hearing Room / The Intertubes / TV Studio (Reality 50% / Absurdity 40% / Game 10%)
Player: Jasmine Crockett [0-0-0]
Sunlight streams through the window, catching dust motes dancing in the air. It illuminates REP. JASMINE CROCKETT, humming a tune vaguely reminiscent of a Schoolhouse Rock segment about filibusters.
She's reviewing hearing notes at her kitchen table, coffee beside her. The notes are titled: "Re: Anomalous Tuber-Based Energy Signatures & Related Memetic Phenomena."
JASMINE takes a sip of coffee.
(To herself) Okay... Expert One: Slow-talkin' obstructionist. Expert Two: Yelling conspiracy guy. Expert Three: Tech-bro buzzword salad. Just need to pin them down... keep it tight... like a well-argued brief...
She gestures emphatically with her pen, as if addressing an unseen jury.
Point of order... relevance... objection... SUSTAINED! Ha. Need that energy today.
A faint, low HUM emanates from a sturdy-looking containment box on the counter, next to a slightly wilted bunch of parsley. Wires snake discreetly from the box to a wall outlet.
JASMINE eyes the box.
And you... behave yourself today. No surges, no cryptic error messages, no demanding... whatever it was you wanted last night. QUERY: BUTTER? See? That. No. Just sit there and be... evidentiary.
The HUM changes pitch slightly, almost like a sigh. Or maybe indigestion. Hard to tell with experimental potato batteries merged with corrupted digital archives.
Lord knows we need reliable power sources these days... Can't even rely on the grid, let alone... well, gestures vaguely at the box.
She gathers her papers, briefcase, and carefully picks up the humming containment unit.
Alright then. Time to make the legislative donuts. Or potato... things. Let's go.
TRANSITION: CONGRESSIONAL HEARING ROOM - MID-DAY
The grandeur of the Hearing Room feels slightly diminished by flickering fluorescent lights and the distinct aroma of microwaved fish from a nearby office.
REP. JASMINE CROCKETT is seated, poised. The containment box holding the POTATO sits innocuously on the dais beside her official water pitcher. The low HUM is barely audible over the C-SPAN cameras whirring.
(Tapping Microphone) LET THE RECORD REFLECT... this hearing on... uh... 'Techno-Agricultural Synergies and Meme Warfare'... is NOW IN SESSION!
JASMINE adjusts her glasses, gaze sharp enough to CUT DIAMONDS!
Our first expert... PROFESSOR OAKENFOLD! Please state your credentials for the committee... slowly.
EXPERT #1 appeared! PROFESSOR OAKENFOLD, looking like a slightly wilted houseplant in a tweed suit!
OAKENFOLD: Ahem... yes... Professor Archibald Oakenfold... Department of... Procedural Horticulture... Been studying... root vegetables... and bureaucratic root systems... for... sixty years... give or take...
Professor, concerning the sudden proliferation of... 'Novelty Root Systems'... in government servers... Do you have an explanation that fits within existing frameworks, sub-section 4, paragraph B?
OAKENFOLD: Well... Representative... according to Bylaw 7-Dash-Alpha... one must first... file Form 11-Stroke-B... requesting clarification... on the definition... of 'Novelty'... before proceeding... Zzzzz...
PROFESSOR OAKENFOLD used STALL TACTICS!
It's super effective!
JASMINE is getting ANNOYED!
The POTATO on the desk HUMS louder!
POTATO used STATIC DISCHARGE!
A small spark hits OAKENFOLD'S water glass!
OAKENFOLD: Heavens! Static electricity... most irregular... perhaps consult... Appendix J... on atmospheric conditions...
Thank you, Professor. Your commitment to... procedure... is noted. Next! BLAZE McSCORCH! Keep it under a yell, please!
EXPERT #2 appeared! BLAZE McSCORCH, practically vibrating, wearing sunglasses indoors!
McSCORCH: YELL?! THIS ISN'T YELLING! THIS IS TRUTH! WAKE UP SHEEPLE! These aren't 'Novelty Root Systems'! They're 5G-ACTIVATED CHEMTRAIL TUBERS planted by... uh... VEGAN LIZARD PEOPLE! IT'S OBVIOUS!
Mr. McScorch... with all due... whatever... where is your evidence? Did you bring exhibits? Perhaps a diorama?
McSCORCH: EVIDENCE?! My EVIDENCE is my GUT! And my YOUTUBE CHANNEL! Which got DEPLATFORMED by the DEEP FRYER STATE! THEY FEAR THE POTATO TRUTH! RAAARGH!
McSCORCH used BASELESS ACCUSATION!
JASMINE's POKER FACE is UNBREAKABLE!
The POTATO box now VIBRATES perceptibly. The amber LED flashes red.
POTATO: (A low, distorted warble emanates) Security... Alert... High... Sodium... Content... Detected... Nearby...
(Ignoring the POTATO) Dr. Waters... please... bring us back to something resembling science. Your analysis of the energy signatures?
EXPERT #3 appeared! DR. DRIPPY WATERS, wearing a turtleneck and carrying three redundant tablets!
WATERS: Representative, thank you. Leveraging synergistic paradigms, the potato-nodes exhibit quantum-entangled starch matrices, interfacing via asynchronous blockchain protocols to optimize... user engagement... through decentralized, AI-driven root-access... potentially...
Dr. Waters. In English. Are these... things... dangerous? Can they... I don't know... do anything?
WATERS: 'Dangerous' is a legacy metric. We prefer 'disruptive potentiality'. The 'doing' is iterative, depending on stakeholder alignment and platform agnostic... uh... firmware... updates...
DR. WATERS used OBFUSCATION!
It's super effective!
JASMINE is losing PATIENCE!
The POTATO box CLICKS loudly. The red LED is solid now. A thin tendril of smoke curls from a seam.
POTATO: External... Network... Intrusion... Detected... Source IP:... uh oh... Running MEME_DEFENSE.BAT... File Not Found...
CUTAWAY SCENE: TV STUDIO - "TRUTH JUICE & CHILL"
ROGAN: So this potato thing... it's like, generating power? But it's also maybe... online? That's creepy, man. Imagine if AI got into potatoes. Skynet, but starch-based.
HEGSETH: It's worse than that, Joe! They're putting listening devices in them! Connected to the woke mob! They're cancelling MR. POTATO HEAD, they're coming for OUR potatoes next! It's potato socialism! Mark my words!
ROGAN: Jaime, is Mr. Potato Head actually cancelled? Pull that up... Also, see if potatoes can run DOOM.
BACK TO HEARING ROOM
Suddenly, a TREMENDOUS CRASH echoes from outside! The building SHAKES! Plaster dust drifts down.
A high-pitched WHIRRING sound grows louder!
Then, SMASH!
A section of the ornate hearing room wall EXPLODES inward in a shower of marble and gold paint!
Through the jagged hole floats... a heavily modified, gold-plated Rascal scooter, now equipped with spider-like robotic legs and... missile launchers?!
Steering it, wearing an ill-fitting flight suit over his usual suit...
Wild TRUMP appeared! (In the "MAGA-Noid 5000"!)
TRUMP: FAKE HEARING! I heard you were talking about potatoes! The best potatoes! My potatoes! You're doing it WRONG! SAD!
Before anyone can react, two figures rappel down from the ceiling on grappling hooks, landing with practiced (if slightly awkward) poses.
L'IL ELON blocked the path!
Wild EVIL DOGE blocked the path! (Pixelated edges shimmering, eyes burning crimson)
TRUMP: To protect the world from low ratings!
L'IL ELON: To unite all peoples within my algorithmic nation! (Terms and conditions apply)
TRUMP: To denounce the evils of truth and love (unless it's about ME)!
L'IL ELON: To extend our reach to the stars above (funding pending)!
TRUMP: Trump!
L'IL ELON: Elon!
DOGE: DOGE! (Sounding like a corrupted .wav file)
TRUMP: Team MAGA, blasting off at the speed of tremendousness!
L'IL ELON: Surrender now, or prepare for... optimized synergistic combat! X!! Y!! Z!!!
DOGE: WOW! SUCH MOTTO! VERY VILLAINY! OBEY NOW!
A moment of stunned SILENCE hangs in the air. Even McScorch is speechless.
(Standing up) ORDER! I WILL HAVE ORDER! What is the meaning of this intrusion?! This is a restricted... POTATO ZONE!
No response. Security seems to have conveniently vanished. Perhaps for a donut break. Or perhaps...
EVIL DOGE used MIND CONTROL PULSE! (Subtle version)
The remaining staffers' eyes glaze over. They start humming elevator music.
(Noticing the staffers) Oh, hell no. Not on my watch. POTATO! Looks like we need to... conduct some business!
The containment box lid BURSTS open!
The POTATO BATTERY levitates out, sparking intensely! The corrupted code from AZU'S ARCHIVE swirls visibly around it like a glitchy aura!
JASMINE CROCKETT wants to fight!
JASMINE sent out POTATO!
POTATO: Combat Mode Engaged... Threat Confirmed: Orange Man, Rocket Man, Meme Dog... Calculating Optimal Roasting Temperature...
TRUMP: You can't fight me! I have the best polls! Go! ME!
TRUMP sent out TRUMP! (Piloting the MAGA-Noid 5000!)
L'IL ELON: Logic dictates engagement. Go! OPTIMUS SUBPRIME!
L'IL ELON has no POKEBALLS!
L'IL ELON: Grr! Tell that to my kids! The human ones!
L'IL ELON sent out ELON!
EVIL DOGE hangs back, emitting low growls and COMMAND AURA!
BATTLE START! PHASE 1!
Alright POTATO! Let's test the waters! STATIC CLING on TRUMP's ride!
POTATO used STATIC CLING!
Sparks arc towards the MAGA-Noid 5000!
TRUMP: Tremendous static! The best static! Nobody has static like this! It's probably good for ratings!
MAGA-Noid 5000's systems are slightly PARALYZED! Movement speed decreased!
L'IL ELON: Inefficient energy transfer. Observe: NEURALINK JAM! Target: POTATO nervous system... assuming it has one...
L'IL ELON used NEURALINK JAM!
Invisible waves pulse towards POTATO!
POTATO used STARCH SHIELD!
A thick, starchy barrier forms! The waves dissipate!
POTATO took minimal damage!
POTATO: Firewall Holding... Attempted Root Access Denied... Query: Does User Wish to Report Phishing Attempt?
Good defense! Now, TRUMP! Feel the power of oversight! POTATO, use TUBER TORPEDO! Aim for the scooter part!
POTATO used TUBER TORPEDO!
POTATO spins, launching itself with surprising velocity!
TRUMP: Incoming! Activate... GOLD-PLATED DEFLECTORS! Or just... move! MOVE!
TRUMP attempts to pilot the MAGA-Noid away!
Due to STATIC CLING, movement is sluggish!
Critical Hit!
POTATO slams into the MAGA-Noid's chassis! A shower of gold paint flakes off!
TRUMP: SAD! My beautiful machine! It cost... billions! Paid for by... someone else, probably! Believe me!
EVIL DOGE: MINION DAMAGED! VERY INCOMPETENCE! ELON! PROVIDE COVERING FIRE! SUCH LAZORS!
L'IL ELON: Laser systems require full charge cycle and user agreement click-through... Deploying alternative: X-POST BARRAGE!
L'IL ELON used X-POST BARRAGE!
A chaotic stream of algorithmically amplified arguments, cat videos, and crypto hype floods the area!
JASMINE shields her eyes!
It's like my mentions feed gained sentience! POTATO! POWER SURGE! Clear the air!
POTATO used POTATO POWER SURGE!
Arcs of unstable energy blast outwards! Blue, red, and... beige? sparks fly!
The X-POST BARRAGE is disintegrated!
TRUMP's MAGA-Noid sparks again! Systems further impaired!
L'IL ELON recoils slightly! His turtleneck seems singed.
L'IL ELON: Energy signature... intriguing... unpredictable... Must acquire... for... reasons...
TRUMP: ENOUGH! I'm using the big one! The tremendous one! FAKE NEWS BLAST!
TRUMP aims a satellite dish mounted on the MAGA-Noid!
TRUMP used FAKE NEWS BLAST!
A wave of distorted headlines and questionable "facts" washes over POTATO!
POTATO's ACCURACY fell!
POTATO's SPECIAL DEFENSE fell!
POTATO seems CONFUSED!
POTATO: Fact... Checking... Cross-referencing... Error 418: I'm a teapot... No... Potato... Reality Matrix... Unstable...
POTATO! Focus! Remember the archive! Remember... AZU's terrible filing system!
CUTAWAY SCENE: AZU'S CORRUPT ARCHIVE - FLASHBACK
AZU: IT CAN'T JUST VANISH! BILLY BOB, DID YOU TOUCH THE SERVER?! IT'S NOT A TOUCH SCREEN! STOP TRYING TO ORDER PIZZA ON IT! AND WHY IS THERE A POTATO IN THE ETHERNET PORT?!
BACK TO HEARING ROOM
The memory seems to stabilize POTATO!
POTATO: File System Integrity... Partially Restored... Azu Still Owes Me Butter...
POTATO shakes off CONFUSION!
That's it! Now, ELON! Time for some BATTERY DRAIN!
POTATO used BATTERY DRAIN!
Energy tendrils connect to L'IL ELON!
L'IL ELON: Unauthorized power transfer detected! My personal battery levels... dipping below optimal meme-posting capacity! This is... concerning!
L'IL ELON's SPEED fell!
HP was drained! POTATO recovered some HP!
EVIL DOGE: PATHETIC MINIONS! SUCH FAILURE! DOGE WILL INTERVENE! WOW!
EVIL DOGE leaps forward, growing larger!
EVIL DOGE leaps forward! Its pixelated form begins to WARP and EXPAND!
The air CRACKLES with stray memes and the faint smell of burnt toast!
DOGE: ENOUGH! TIME FOR... UPGRADE! MUCH SIZE! VERY THREAT!
Geometric shapes UNFOLD! Low-resolution textures STRETCH unnaturally! The sound of a thousand dial-up modems screaming fills the chamber!
The hearing room walls GROAN under the pressure!
Tables OVERTURN! Important-looking documents flutter like confused Pidgeys!
The transformation completes with a deafening WOW!
BATTLE PHASE 2: BOSS REVEAL!
GIANT EVIL DOGE MEME appeared!
It looms over the dais, a colossal, glitching Shiba Inu made of pure, weaponized internet!
Red eyes burn like faulty LEDs! Flickering text overlays surround it: "SUCH DOOM" "VERY POWERFUL" "MANY ATTACK" "WOW"
Okay... That's... significantly larger than anticipated. POTATO, status report! Any bright ideas from that... archive?
POTATO: Threat Level Re-evaluated: OH LAWD HE COMIN'... Archive Search Results: 1 match for 'Giant Dog Memes', leads to broken Angelfire link... Recommend deploying... mashed potato protocol? Query requires clarification...
GIANT EVIL DOGE: NO ESCAPE! ONLY MEME! FEEL THE WEIGHT OF VIRALITY! VERY CONFUSE!
GIANT EVIL DOGE used VERY CONFUSE!
A wave of disorienting, contradictory memes washes over POTATO!
Is the dress blue or gold?! Laurel or Yanny?! What does the fox say?!
POTATO wobbles in the air!
POTATO is CONFUSED!
POTATO: Logic... Bomb... Detected... Does... Not... Compute... Initiating... Random Recipe Search... Potato... Latkes...?
Snap out of it, POTATO! That's just cognitive dissonance from the internet! Block it out!
GIANT EVIL DOGE: NOW! WOW BEAM!
GIANT EVIL DOGE used WOW BEAM!
A concentrated blast of pure, unfiltered "WOW" energy shoots from its eyes!
POTATO is CONFUSED! It hurt itself in its confusion!
POTATO used TUBER TORPEDO! ...on the ceiling!
POTATO crashed into the ornate ceiling! Plaster rained down!
POTATO took damage!
The WOW BEAM continues!
POTATO! Evasive Maneuvers! Use STARCH SHIELD! NOW!
POTATO, still dazed, manages to react!
POTATO used STARCH SHIELD!
The thick, starchy barrier materializes just in time!
WOW BEAM slams into the shield! It cracks visibly!
POTATO took moderate damage!
POTATO snapped out of CONFUSION due to the impact! (And possibly remembering it's not a latke).
POTATO: Damage Report: Minor Structural Starch Degradation... Internal Logic Gates Realigned... Enemy Threat: HIGH... Recommend Aggressive Spudding...
GIANT EVIL DOGE: SUCH RESISTANCE! VERY ANNOYING VEGETABLE! MINIONS! DISTRACT!
TRUMP, still in the sparking MAGA-Noid 5000, stirs!
TRUMP: Distraction! The best distraction! Everyone loves my distractions! Launching... GOLF BALL BARRAGE!
MAGA-Noid 5000's missile launchers fire... gold-plated golf balls?
TRUMP used GOLF BALL BARRAGE!
A flurry of dimpled projectiles bounces erratically around the room!
POTATO dodges most of them!
One hits the POTATO! It's not very effective...
Another hits L'IL ELON!
L'IL ELON: Unscheduled kinetic event... Impact analysis suggests... low quality golf ball... Likely manufactured... offshore...
Ignore the distractions, POTATO! Remember the scan! GeoCities origin! Bandwidth weakness!
POTATO: Accessing... Corrupted Archive Fragment... GeoCities... Hosting Protocols... Dial-Up Limitations... Hypothesis: Enemy requires constant, high-bandwidth meme stream... Solution: Denial of Service... Spud-Style...
Okay! Initiate... uh... Operation Bandwidth Throttle! Use CORRUPTED DATA! Aim for its... connection?
POTATO used CORRUPTED DATA!
Glitched symbols and broken HTML tags swirl around the GIANT EVIL DOGE!
GIANT EVIL DOGE: MANY SYMBOLS! VERY CONFUSE! BUT MY CONNECTION... IS FIBER! MUCH SPEED!
The attack seems to annoy DOGE, but doesn't slow it down!
GIANT EVIL DOGE's SPECIAL DEFENSE was lowered slightly by broken
Okay, direct approach failed! Think, POTATO, think! How did old websites fail? Too many visitors? Bad code?
POTATO: Analyzing... GeoCities Failure Modes: Excessive Animated GIFs... Under Construction Banners... MIDI Background Music... Guestbooks... Solution: Replicate High-Traffic Server Load... Generate... Digital Potatoes?
Digital potatoes...? Can you DO that?!
POTATO: Archive Fragment... Contains... 'POTATO_FORK_BOMB.EXE'... Warning: Highly Unstable... May cause... Existential Loop... or... Delicious Hash Browns... Proceed? Y/N_
Existential loop OR hash browns...? Against a giant meme dog...? You know what? YES! PROCEED!
POTATO begins to glow with an intense, unstable light! The glitchy code swirls faster!
POTATO is gathering POWER!
GIANT EVIL DOGE: SUCH CHARGING! VERY SUSPICIOUS! MUST INTERRUPT! DOGECOIN CRASH!
GIANT EVIL DOGE used DOGECOIN CRASH!
The air fills with plummeting graphs and panicked crypto-bros shouting "HODL!"
A massive weight of digital despair slams down!
JASMINE braces herself!
POTATO! HOLD ON! Use STARCH SHIELD MAX!
POTATO redirects some energy!
POTATO used STARCH SHIELD!
The shield reappears, thicker than ever, but straining under the DOGECOIN CRASH!
It's super effective!
The shield is CRUMBLING!
POTATO took heavy damage!
But POTATO continues charging POTATO_FORK_BOMB.EXE!
CUTAWAY SCENE: TV STUDIO
HEGSETH: See Joe?! The graphs! It's the economy collapsing! This is what happens when you let potatoes run wild in Congress! It's Potato-nomics! Inflation! Starchflation!
ROGAN: Woah... so Dogecoin is crashing because of the giant Doge meme fighting the potato battery? Is that irony? Or just Tuesday, like that robot potato expert said? This is blowing my mind, man. Jaime, fact check 'starchflation'.
BACK TO HEARING ROOM
The DOGECOIN CRASH subsides! POTATO's shield dissolves!
POTATO is glowing white-hot! The air smells of baked potato and hot electronics!
POTATO: POTATO_FORK_BOMB.EXE... READY TO DEPLOY... WARNING: MAY VIOLATE SEVERAL INTERNET PROTOCOLS... AND HEALTH CODES...
DO IT, POTATO! Unleash the... spud-alanche!
POTATO used POTATO_FORK_BOMB.EXE!
From the POTATO BATTERY erupts... POTATOES!
Thousands! Millions! An endless stream of low-polygon, badly textured, digitally generated POTATOES flood the hearing room!
They bounce off walls! They pile up! They clip through geometry!
Each digital potato seems to be running its own tiny, useless process!
GIANT EVIL DOGE: MANY POTATOES! SUCH LAG! VERY BANDWIDTH INTENSIVE!
The digital potatoes swarm the GIANT EVIL DOGE!
GIANT EVIL DOGE tries to use BORK!
GIANT EVIL DOGE's attack FAILS due to system lag!
GIANT EVIL DOGE tries to use RED LASER EYES!
GIANT EVIL DOGE's attack SPUTTERS! Frame rate drops!
GIANT EVIL DOGE: SYSTEM... OVERLOAD... CANNOT... PROCESS... SO... MUCH... STARCH... WOW... BUFFERING...
GIANT EVIL DOGE freezes mid-animation! A spinning beach ball icon appears over its head!
It's frozen! POTATO! Is there anything left in the tank?! Finish it!
POTATO flickers weakly. Smoke rises from its wires.
POTATO: Battery... Critically Low... Archive Cache... Almost Empty... One... Final... Command... Available... POTATO_PROTOCOL_7...?
Protocol 7...? What does that even-- You know what? Don't care! Execute POTATO_PROTOCOL_7!
POTATO used POTATO_PROTOCOL_7!
Suddenly, the mind-controlled TRUMP and ELON snap to attention! Their red eyes flare!
TRUMP: Execute Order... POTATO SALAD!
L'IL ELON: Affirmative. Engaging... Mayonnaise... Protocol...
TRUMP's MAGA-Noid 5000 and ELON simultaneously turn and fire their remaining weapons... POINT BLANK at the frozen GIANT EVIL DOGE!
Golf balls! Weak laser sparks! Maybe a poorly aimed tweet!
It's not very effective... BUT!
The unexpected input causes the frozen GIANT EVIL DOGE's system to CRASH spectacularly!
GIANT EVIL DOGE: (Sound of a Windows XP shutdown) FATAL EXCEPTION... MEME_KERNEL... CORRUPT... WOW... SUCH BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH...
GIANT EVIL DOGE shatters into a million fading pixels! A single, lonely "wow.txt" file flutters to the floor.
GIANT EVIL DOGE fainted!
The red glow fades completely from TRUMP and ELON's eyes. The digital potatoes vanish.
The hearing room is an utter disaster zone. Marble chunks, gold paint flakes, stray golf balls, and the lingering smell of ozone and baked potato fill the air.
TRUMP looks around from his damaged MAGA-Noid.
TRUMP: What happened? Did we win? The ratings must have been tremendous! Someone get me a hamberder!
L'IL ELON steps carefully over debris, brushing off his turtleneck.
L'IL ELON: Systems nominal... Data logs corrupted... Hypothesis: Encountered non-standard political entity and anomalous tuber... Requires further investigation... and perhaps acquisition...
The POTATO BATTERY thuds gently back onto the dais, completely inert. A tiny wisp of smoke escapes it.
(Surveying the wreckage, sighs) Let the record reflect... this hearing is adjourned. Permanently. Someone call... maintenance. And maybe the cyber crimes division. And... does anyone have some butter?
CUTAWAY SCENE: TV STUDIO - FINAL TAKE
ROGAN: ...so it just... disappeared? The giant dog? And the potatoes? What the hell did we just watch, Pete?
HEGSETH: (Eyes wide) It's clear, Joe! A false flag! Staged by the Deep State Spud Syndicate! They faked the whole thing to make patriots look bad and distract from the real issue: mandatory organic composting! It's tyranny! We need to buy more gold! And maybe some tactical shovels!
ROGAN: ...Right. Tactical shovels. Jaime, book the shovel guy next week.
FADE OUT.
JASMINE CROCKETT wins!
JASMINE CROCKETT gained 10,000 EXP. Points! (Mostly in dealing with absurdity)
POTATO learned SLEEP MODE! (Requires Butter to wake)
Received SUBPOENA POWER+!
Battle #101: Yeerk My Ride (or: The Potato Paradox) April 29, 2025
Setting: Somewhere Vaguely Route-Like / Jasmine Crockett's Makeshift Mobile Lab / Washington D.C. Again? (Reality 30% / Political Satire 40% / Crossover Chaos 30%)
Player: Dash [4-3-0]
**(Scene Start: A Generic Path in Kanto-adjacent Scenery)**
DASH KVETCHUM is walking along, whistling a vaguely familiar Pokémon theme.
Man, feels good to be back on the road! So many new regions, so many Pokémon! Gotta dash!
A figure emerges from behind a suspiciously healthy-looking tree. It's RFK JR.
RFK JR.: Young traveler! Pause! Are you aware that the very path you tread could be leaching micro-toxins developed in a Wuhan lab, funded by Fauci, designed to slowly calcify your pineal gland?!
My... pineal gland? Look, mister, I just had breakfast. Are you a Trainer? You seem... intense. Wanna battle?
RFK JR.: Battle? The true battle is against the unseen forces! The parasitic entities controlling the media, the government, the very airwaves! But yes... a demonstration is in order! Prepare for enlightenment!
RFK JR. adopts a classic rival stance!
RFK JR. wants to fight!
Okay... you're weird, but you got spirit! Let's see how you handle this! Go, ULTRA COW!
DASH sent out ULTRA COW (Steve)!
STEVE: MOO! (Translation: Not this again! And stop calling me Steve!)
RFK JR.: A creature of the earth! Unburdened by complex pharmaceuticals! Excellent! But can it resist... the inevitable? Go! BRAIN WORM!
RFK JR. clutches his head momentarily. Nothing seems to appear.
RFK JR. sent out BRAIN WORM! (It's insidious and unseen!)
You sent out... nothing? Is this a new Pokémon type? Ghost-Conspiracy type?
RFK JR./BRAIN WORM (Voice slightly flatter): The foolish host misunderstands. True power is not seen, but felt! BRAIN WORM! Use NEURAL CRAWL!
BRAIN WORM used NEURAL CRAWL!
ULTRA COW shudders, its eyes glazing over slightly!
STEVE: Moooo...? (Translation: Brain freeze... but not from ice cream...)
ULTRA COW is CONFUSED!
Steve! Snap out of it! Use... uh... Leer! Give him the mean eye!
ULTRA COW used LEER!
ULTRA COW turns and uses LEER on DASH!
Hey! Not me, him! What's wrong with you?!
RFK JR./BRAIN WORM: Foolish creature. Its feeble mind is already compromised. Now, for the primary target! Complete the infestation!!
BRAIN WORM used SYNAPTIC OVERRIDE!
Unseen energy flows towards DASH!
RFK JR./BRAIN WORM: Resistance is futile! The host is irrelevant! Only the Controller matters! Your 'Steve' now serves the Collective! Soon, all will! Glory to Visser... uh... KENNEDY! Defeat the Andalite... I mean... Democrat bandits! BRAIN WORM, use SYNAPTIC OVERRIDE on the other host!
Invisible mental tendrils lash out towards DASH!
DASH tries to run!
But it failed! DASH is held fast by unseen mental force!
DASH'S eyes glaze over! He stops struggling! Stands rigidly!
It's super effective!
DASH fainted! (Mentally)
DASH was captured by BRAIN WORM!
DASH is now a CONTROLLER!
RFK JR./BRAIN WORM looks at the blank-faced Dash with satisfaction.
RFK JR./BRAIN WORM: Perfection. Another mind liberated from the burden of independent thought. Soon, all these... Pokémon Trainers... will understand true unity under Visser Kennedy the First!
CONTROLLER!DASH: (Monotone) Unity... Visser Kennedy...
RFK JR. and the now zombie-like DASH Kvetchum march off stiffly down the path.
Player: Jasmine Crockett [1-0-0]
**(Scene Change: Inside a Slightly Battered Van Labeled "Crockett Campaign - Mobile Oversight Unit")**
JASMINE CROCKETT is meticulously cleaning the inert POTATO BATTERY with a microfiber cloth. It sits on a small charging pad, humming faintly.
Okay, Potato. Let's go over this again. You are Exhibit A. You are also potentially... my partner? Look, I read the manual... or the fragmented data recovered from your... core.
JASMINE pats the POTATO gently.
Even if you contain the corrupted archives of some otaku webmaster named Azu, hum menacingly, occasionally demand butter, and were previously instrumental in a giant meme dog attack AND powering L'il Elon's brain chip. Trust. Love. And... regular software patches, apparently. We gotta work together on this weird journey.
Suddenly, the van's side door slides open with a BANG!
Standing there, striking a pose...
L'IL ELON: Prepare for trouble! And make it synergize!
A SMALL, scruffy DOGE SHIBE leaps onto Elon's shoulder, looking determined.
SMALL DOGE: Doge! That's right!
L'IL ELON: To protect the world from stagnation!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! To unite all markets within our nation!
L'IL ELON: To denounce the evils of regulation!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! To extend our stock price to the stars station!
L'IL ELON: Elon! But you can call me... the DOGEFATHER!
SMALL DOGE: Doge!
L'IL ELON & SMALL DOGE: Team Rocket, blasting off at the speed of light! Surrender now, or prepare for a disruptive fight!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! That's right!
JASMINE stares, utterly unimpressed. Raises an eyebrow.
Team Rocket? Seriously? Didn't you try 'Team MAGA' like, two days ago? And 'Dogefather'? Honey, please. What do you want now? Did you lose another car key?
L'IL ELON: Team MAGA lacked... brand coherence. Team Rocket has superior market recognition! And I am the Dogefather! Now, hand over the anomalous energy source! That potato... it's vital for... reasons! Team Rocket wants that Pikachu-- I mean, Potato!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! Potato!
JASMINE holds the POTATO protectively.
This 'potato'? Why? So you can try and crash another dimension with it? No chance, Elon. This is evidence. And... my partner. Right, Potato?
The POTATO hums louder. Its single LED flashes a pattern... Morse code? No... Binary? It projects a faint, flickering image onto the van ceiling: A diagram of the TESLADOME... a NEURALINK interface... a HYPERLOOP SCHEMATIC... ERROR LOGS... AZU_ARCHIVE_FINAL...
JASMINE watches the flickering projection, realization dawning.
Wait a minute... Tesladome... Neuralink... the Glitch Plane... This isn't just Azu's archive merged with a potato battery... This IS the battery! The one that was powering your Neuralink when you hyperlooped yourself into that digital nightmare! It absorbed the archive AND kept your brain running! That's why you want it back!
L'IL ELON: Precisely! Its unique quantum entanglement with my cognitive matrix is essential for Phase 7: Global Consciousness Upload! And maybe backing up my crypto keys. Hand it over! Small Doge, use Scratch!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! Scratch!
SMALL DOGE leaps, claws extended!
Before it can reach Crockett, a deafening RIFT opens in the air beside the van! SOUND of 88 MPH!
A battered DELOREAN bursts through, hovering erratically!
DOC BROWN leans out, wild-eyed! MARTY MCFLY looks nauseous in the passenger seat!
DOC BROWN: Great Scott, Marty! The temporal displacement matrix interfaced with some kind of... low-budget meme dimension! We've gotta get back before we paradox ourselves into becoming... *burrrrp*... congressional aides, Marty! It's a real bad scene!
MARTY: Whoa, Doc, this is heavy! Is that... is that lady holding a potato that's projecting Elon Musk's brain activity?!
DOC BROWN: Precisely! The flux capacitor readings are off the charts! Too much concentrated absurdity! Back to the future, Marty! Or... somewhere less likely to cause existential nausea!
The DELOREAN vanishes back into the rift with another sonic boom, leaving behind only the smell of burnt rubber and ozone.
JASMINE, ELON, and SMALL DOGE stare at the empty space.
(Deep breath) Can this day GET any weirder?!
Her POKEDEX/PHONE rings loudly with a distinctive "Congressional Hearing Alert" tone. She answers it.
Hello? ... Jamie? What's up? ... RFK Jr. doing WHAT now?! ... Brain worm... controlling people... like... zombies?! Uh-huh... Uh-huh... And watch out for suspicious... roadkill? Got it. Thanks for the heads-up. (Hangs up)
JASMINE looks from Elon and Small Doge back to the now-inert Potato.
(Sighs) Just another Tuesday in Washington, I guess. Alright, Dogefather... you want this potato? You gotta go through me!
JASMINE CROCKETT wants to fight!
L'IL ELON / DOGEFATHER wants to fight!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! Fight!
Okay POTATO, let's show this tech bro some real static! Use STATIC SHOCK (AOL Dialup Remix)!
JASMINE sent out POTATO!
POTATO crackles with unstable energy! The faint sound of a 56k modem handshake fills the air!
POTATO used STATIC SHOCK (AOL Dialup Remix)!
Bolts of corrupted electricity arc towards SMALL DOGE!
L'IL ELON: Primitive connection protocol! Shield with PEPE PUNCH!
DOGEFATHER sent out SMALL DOGE!
SMALL DOGE used PEPE PUNCH!
SMALL DOGE summons a spectral, smug-looking frog fist to intercept the static!
The attacks collide! The Pepe fist glitches momentarily!
It's moderately effective!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! (Translation: Feels bad man... but blocked!)
A frog meme? Is that the best your 'Dogefather' branding can do? POTATO! Deploy RINGTOME HELL MIDI!
POTATO accessed Azu's Archive (Folder: Angelfire_MIDI_Hell)!
POTATO used RINGTOME HELL MIDI!
An excruciatingly loud, polyphonic MIDI rendition of the Hamster Dance theme blasts out!
L'IL ELON covers his ears!
L'IL ELON: My auditory sensors! The compression artifacts! It's worse than early MP3s!
SMALL DOGE's ears droop! It looks deeply distressed by the low-fidelity assault!
SMALL DOGE's SPECIAL DEFENSE greatly fell!
L'IL ELON: Counter-meme offensive! Small Doge, use STONKS!
SMALL DOGE (distracted by MIDI) used STONKS!
SMALL DOGE strikes a pose next to a spectral, upward-trending red arrow, pointing towards the POTATO!
It has no actual effect, but SMALL DOGE looks confident!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! (Translation: To the moon!)
Stonks? That's not an attack, that's just wishful thinking! POTATO! Show him some *real* animation! SUMMON [Obscure Mecha] HOLOGRAM!
POTATO accessed Azu's Archive (Folder: Mecha_That_Never_Got_A_US_Release)!
POTATO used SUMMON [Obscure Mecha] HOLOGRAM!
A flickering, low-poly hologram of a ridiculously oversized, brightly colored robot (looks vaguely like Voltron crossed with a toaster) appears!
HOLOGRAM strikes a dramatic Sentai pose!
HOLOGRAM: For Justice! And... uh... (checks flickering script) ...synergy?
SMALL DOGE stares at the hologram, mesmerized!
L'IL ELON: Impressive poly count... for its era. Needs ray tracing. And probably a subscription model. Small Doge! Snap out of it! Use RICKROLL!
SMALL DOGE shook its head, then grinned mischievously.
SMALL DOGE used RICKROLL!
SMALL DOGE holds up its tiny phone, playing a tinny version of "Never Gonna Give You Up"!
The MECHA HOLOGRAM glitches violently!
HOLOGRAM: Never gonna... give... SYNTAX ERROR! Does not compute!
The MECHA HOLOGRAM flickered and vanished!
No! My obscure mecha! You rickrolled my potato's summon?! That's low, even for you! POTATO! RETALIATE! [Kawaii Desu] OVERLOAD!
POTATO used [Kawaii Desu] OVERLOAD!
POTATO emits waves of concentrated, weaponized cuteness - sparkles, chibi faces, excessive exclamation points!!!
SMALL DOGE is overwhelmed!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! (Translation: Too... cute... must... resist... urge to... awww!)
SMALL DOGE is temporarily PARALYZED by cuteness!
L'IL ELON: Cuteness is an inefficient metric! Counter with... BASED BEAM!
L'IL ELON himself fires a beam from a handheld device!
L'IL ELON used BASED BEAM!
The beam of pure, unfiltered "based-ness" hits the POTATO!
POTATO's [Kawaii Desu] OVERLOAD attack fizzles!
POTATO seems slightly more cynical?
POTATO's ATTACK parameters shifted towards 'Edgy Fanfic Mode'!
Based beam?! What does that even mean?! Stop making up attacks based on whatever 4chan spat out this morning! POTATO! THUNDERBOLT (Sentai Pose Ver.)!
POTATO struck a dramatic pose, gathering electrical energy!
POTATO used THUNDERBOLT (Sentai Pose Ver.)!
A massive bolt of glitchy lightning, accompanied by dramatic (and unnecessary) explosions in the background, launches towards Elon!
L'IL ELON: Predictable energy weapon! Deploy... SHITPOST STORM!
L'IL ELON used SHITPOST STORM!
Elon rapidly types on his phone! A literal storm cloud forms, raining down low-effort memes, bad takes, and aggressive comments!
The THUNDERBOLT hits the cloud!
The memes intercept the lightning! Some catch fire! Some just argue with it!
The attack was partially blocked!
L'IL ELON took minor damage from electro-charged irony!
Seriously?! You blocked lightning with... trolls?! That's it! POTATO! Full power! Use--
Suddenly, a loud THUD is heard from nearby! Followed by a sickening CRUNCH!
JASMINE, ELON, and SMALL DOGE turn towards the sound!
Lying crumpled near the curb, amidst spilled artisanal kombucha bottles... is something small, furry, and distinctly... flat.
It looks like a ZIGZAGOON... but it's twitching unnaturally, and one eye glows faintly red.
Wild ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON (Controller?) appeared!
...Okay, Jamie specifically warned me about suspicious roadkill. Is... is that thing still alive?
L'IL ELON: Analysis indicates biological entity under external duress, exhibiting non-standard post-impact locomotion. Potential salvage opportunity?
SMALL DOGE: Doge? (Translation: Looks... crunchy.)
The ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON slowly starts dragging itself towards them, leaving a faint trail of... something.
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON groans: Must... obey... Visser... Kennedy... Need... host... Need... butter...
Butter?! Not this again! And it talks?! Okay, NEW plan! Elon, you deal with... *that*! I'm securing the Potato!
L'IL ELON: Delegate? Inefficient! But... primary threat analysis does indicate the potentially infectious roadkill requires neutralization. Small Doge! Prepare... DOWNVOTE DOGPILE!
SMALL DOGE: Doge! Dogpile!
The ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON twitches faster!
L'IL ELON: Neutralization required! Small Doge! Maximum downvotes! Engage!
SMALL DOGE used DOWNVOTE DOGPILE!
Spectral blue downvote arrows rain down upon the ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON stops twitching! Lies perfectly still!
Did... did that actually work?
L'IL ELON: See? Negative social reinforcement! Highly effective behavioral modification algorith--
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON used PLAY POSSUM!
It was already super effective!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON suddenly springs up (mostly)!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON: Foolish mammals! Your internet points mean nothing to the Yeerk collective! Prepare for... mild inconvenience!
(Muttering) Great. A zombie raccoon thing with delusions of grandeur and it *still* sounds more coherent than half the arguments on Elon's website.
L'IL ELON: My website fosters FREE SPEECH! Unlike some... regulated potatoes!
POTATO's LED suddenly flashes brightly!
POTATO displays text: "ALERT: Canadian Election Results Updated! LIBERALS HOLD MINORITY! MAPLE SYRUP FUTURES UNCERTAIN!"
Potato, NOT NOW! Focus on the zombie roadkill, not Ottawa's breakfast policy!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON focuses its one good eye!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON used WEAK MIND MELD!
A wave of static washes over SMALL DOGE!
SMALL DOGE briefly tries to sell L'IL ELON on the benefits of single-payer healthcare before shaking its head vigorously!
SMALL DOGE: Doge?! (Translation: Bad thoughts! Not HODL thoughts!)
L'IL ELON: Residual neural echoes! The parasite network is attempting to propagate! Fascinating... and potentially profitable!
Profitable?! Elon, it's trying to brainwash your dog! Deal with your mess! POTATO, prepare defensive measures!
POTATO's LED glows a steady, watchful amber. Assumes DEFENSIVE STANCE (as much as a potato can).
L'IL ELON: (Scoffs) My 'mess'? This is unfiltered user feedback! Vital data! But the propagation vector must be contained. Small Doge! Purge the unauthorized neural input! Execute... NAVY SEAL COPYPASTA RECITE!
SMALL DOGE shakes its head again, trying to clear the lingering WEAK MIND MELD effect.
SMALL DOGE used NAVY SEAL COPYPASTA RECITE!
SMALL DOGE puffs out its chest and tries to look intimidating:
SMALL DOGE: Doge! (Translation: What the Doge did you just Doge-ing say about me, you little... uh... roadkill? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the... Doge Seals... and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on... short sellers... and I have over 300 confirmed... memes! You are nothing to me but just another target! Doge! Gorilla warfare! Doge!)
The incoherent recitation seems to confuse the ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON more than damage it!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON used PARASITIC STATIC FIELD!
The air crackles! L'IL ELON's phone screen flickers violently! The POTATO's LED sputters!
Nearby parked cars' alarms start blaring randomly!
Great! Now it's causing interference! This is escalating! POTATO! Defensive measures aren't enough! Neutralize it! THUNDERSHOCK ([Sailor Moon Transformation] Sequence)!
POTATO used THUNDERSHOCK ([Sailor Moon Transformation] Sequence)!
POTATO levitates higher! Background music reminiscent of 90s magical girl anime swells from an unknown source! Sparkles and ribbons of pure static electricity erupt!
POTATO: Potato Power... MAKE UP!
A bolt of concentrated, glitter-infused electricity strikes the ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON!
It's super effective!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON convulses, screeching!
ENEMY ZIGZAGOON is PARALYZED! It may be unable to move!
POTATO finishes the sequence, striking a dramatic pose.
POTATO projects text briefly: "In the name of the Moon... I shall punish you! (Source: Azu_SailorMoon_Fanfic_SelfInsert_Ch3.txt)"
...Okay, points for style, Potato, but... Is it... down?
The PARALYZED ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON stops screeching. It lies still... but its one good red eye suddenly glows brighter!
ROADKILL ZIGZAGOON used DESPERATION PULSE!
A weak, psychic pulse emanates outwards!
It doesn't seem to affect JASMINE, ELON, or SMALL DOGE directly...
But miles away, CONTROLLER!DASH suddenly stops marching and turns his blank eyes towards their location!
RFK JR./BRAIN WORM: (Sensing the pulse) Ah... a distress signal! Excellent! Reinforcements are en route! The collective expands!
L'IL ELON checks his phone, which is displaying sensor data again.
L'IL ELON: Increased bio-signature readings... Incoming entities detected... Trajectory matches Controller unit designation 'Dash'... Fascinating!
Reinforcements?! Oh no, Jamie was right! They're coming here!
To be continued....
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